Pharmacy Woes

It has come to my attention that the CVS Pharmacy by my house in Joliet is both my most and least favorite place on the planet. While there are many reasons for this paradox (one being the fact that they always have EXACTLY what I "need" on sale in front of the store when I go, like the space heater in my basement that I hardly ever use), the single most aggrivating reason is where they keep the condoms in the store.

Now, while I am not at ALL embarrassed in buying condoms (hell, it's better than buying diapers), it does bother me that the condom aisle is directly in the sight of where the pharmacists have their break room, prompting many dirty looks and expressions of shock at that fact that someone is not only fucking your ugly ass, but also doing it frequently enough to merit purchasing multiple condoms. However, I do find it slightly humerous that pregnancy tests are immeditely next to the condoms, as if the store is saying "Hey, better luck next time".

Perhaps an even larger issue that I have when buying condoms is the fact that there is no concievable purchase combination that works well enough with condoms that would prevent you from looking like a complete jackass. But, I have tried, and here is the best I have come up with thusfar:

1) Condoms with toothpaste. While this may be the easiest combo due to the close proximity of the oral hygene products to those products that touch your pee-pee, one can appear nervous and inexperienced because of the aformentioned toothpaste/condom locations. In other words, they know you don't really need toothpaste and that it was the first thing you saw.

2) Condoms with alcohol. I'm not even gonna go there. Too easy.

3) Condoms with any food product. OH MY GOD. STAY AWAY CRAZY FETISH BOY. DOES YOUR MOTHER KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING WITH YOUR LIFE??

4) Condoms and dog food. (See #3).

5) Condoms with the film you need developed. Ron Jeremy in the flesh? No, wait, it's just Adam the Polexican Firecracker dropping of film of his crazy dog food fetish.

So what is the best combination available out there? I haven't seemed to find it just yet. Perhaps simply buying an unbelieveable amount of condoms at one time ....like, 10 boxes.... might just be funny enough to prompt laughter instead of judgement-looks from Gramma Cashier. Obviously, any suggestions and/or stories are more than welcome.